Understanding Anger: How Fractures Can Make Us Stronger

“Anger is everywhere — in our homes, on the streets, in our politics. But what if it’s not just rage, but a signal trying to tell us something important?”

It is difficult to escape what is happening in the UK at the moment with violent protests and divisions across society. The succession of Brexit, COVID, and the recession have all contributed to this sense of strain that seems to be bubbling over.

While this isn’t a political post, mental health does not exist in a vacuum; our childhoods, life experiences, and the larger social context we live in all shape our emotional lives. Societal strain can heighten stress, leaving individuals more vulnerable to anger and heightened emotional reactivity.

Understanding Anger

Anger is an intriguing and often unpopular emotion. It is our 'hottest' emotion, fueled by the drive to protect or defend. But anger in itself isn’t bad, as the Internal Family Systems model reminds us, there are No Bad Parts. Anger, in essence is helpful, it can highlight injustice, prompt action, and spur positive change.

The issue with anger is not the feeling but what we do with it; when it becomes reactive and hurtful to ourselves and others it is not acceptable.

Anger, may feel instant, as our brains operate at an incredible speed, but it is considered a secondary emotion. By understanding what primary emotions have triggered and driven our anger can be transformative.

Scenario

Imagine Driver A is on the road when Driver B cuts in. In the first scenario, Driver B drives off ignoring Drive A; who honks and yells,

“You’re an idiot!”

Anger spikes, driven by vulnerability (from a perceived threat of harm) and feeling unseen/disrespected. In the second scenario, Driver B acknowledges their mistake with a gesture or facial expression. Driver A may still mutter a comment but calms quickly, feeling recognized, acknowledged and safe.

Both scenarios involve the same dangerous maneuver, but the reactions differ as deeper feelings of exposure to threat and therefore vulnerability occur in Scenario 1.

The brain’s “fight or flight” happens in a split second aiming to keep us safe. When the threat is acknowledged, as in the second scenario, the brain down regulates anger, often preventing escalation as the other driver has confirmed they are not a threat and Driver A feels seen and heard.

In the first scenario, Driver A not only feels anger but also makes assumptions of the experience, the brain quickly draws on past experiences to categorize and make sense of the behaviour.

Our responses are shaped by our personal history, past experiences and the accumulated patterns our brains have learnt ------ A+B=C.

Meaning the intensity and expression of anger are influenced by how and what we’ve learned over time.

Early Experiences & Attachment

In this scenario, not being seen/heard or respected may also tap into unconscious deep-rooted vulnerabilities shaped by early experiences. Our sense of value and security often comes from how our primary caregivers helped us make sense of the world through their own attachment and filters.

How we react can reveal our deeply held beliefs, insecurities, and learned perception of the world and our place within it. Equally important, however, is how we recover and repair. Those who learned “rupture and repair” in childhood—to acknowledge, to be listened to, to forgive, and restore—often carry less residual conflict/anger and can experience these as less threatening.

Rupture and Repair

Conflict is not inherently negative. Healthy relationships aren’t defined by avoiding arguments but by having the space and safety to air differences, repair ruptures, and move forward together.

Like a fractured bone, emotional repair can make us stronger. Relationships can be messy and attachments can be challenging. True security comes from letting others in, sharing vulnerability, and growing stronger through the process.

This brings to mind Kintsugi, the Japanese art form where broken pottery is repaired using lacquer dusted with powdered gold, silver, or platinum. Instead of hiding the cracks, Kintsugi highlights them, turning breakage into part of the object’s history and beauty. The philosophy behind it is rooted in finding beauty in imperfection.

Vulnerability is at the heart of this process. When we connect with our underlying feelings, we can communicate our needs and explore how to meet them. As Brené Brown observes,

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.” 

Facing discomfort and acknowledging our emotions allows for deeper understanding, stronger connections, and personal growth.

If you are Struggling with Anger

1. Assess your life. Anger often stems from stress. When we’re overstretched, under pressure, or under-resourced, we can feel unable to cope. Reflect on what truly matters, and consider what stressors can be unburdened, shared, or paused.

2. Give yourself space. Constantly rushing keeps the brain in high alert, making us more reactive than responsive. Driver A, for example, would likely be more reactive if tired, running late, or already feeling unseen and unheard.

3. Journal your triggers. At the end of the day, note moments of irritation and ask what else you might have been feeling and why. This practice builds better awareness.

4. Take responsibility. Avoid blaming others. No one "makes you feel"; pointing fingers only triggers the other person’s defenses. Owning your emotions is key.

5. Build calming practices. Regular activities that promote safety and regulation can help make calm your default rather than the exception.

6. Seek support. Understanding what lies beneath anger can be difficult. Therapy can help process unresolved feelings, past injuries, and hidden triggers, leading to greater self-understanding and a more harmonious sense of self.

Anger is a signal, a protector, and sometimes a teacher. By understanding what drives it, we can respond rather than react, repair rather than resist, and transform our cracks into resilience.

Like Kintsugi, our imperfections are not weaknesses but parts of our story, shining with gold when acknowledged, repaired, and embraced.

As Hemingway wrote,

“The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.” 

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