Nothing in life affects us more profoundly than facing grief, bereavement, and loss. Whether it’s the death of a loved one, the breakdown of a relationship, the end of a career, a significant change in health/lifestyle or even the loss of an idealised version of how we thought our life would turn out, the impact can be immense. Loss can shake the very foundation of our existence, disturbing our sense of stability, safety, and security. It can disrupt not only our lives but our values, meaning and identity.
Grief is deeply personal, and no two experiences are the same. It encompasses a range of emotions, from shock, sadness, and anger, to confusion, guilt, fear and, sometimes even numbness. Processing grief involves more than coming to terms with the physical absence of someone or something; we are also grieving the loss of the intangible: connection, security, hopes, dreams, expectations, and the future as we once imagined it.
Grief forces us to reflect on the fragility of life, the impermanence of everything we hold dear, and the unpredictability of what’s to come. Each loss comes with its own set of emotions, but the common thread is the painful process of letting go of what was and coming to terms with a new reality.
The Process of Grief:
The psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying introduced the five stages of grief. The stages describe the emotional responses that people may experience when facing death or significant loss; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance.
For anyone who has ever been through a significant loss or bereavement these will feel all too real, but you will also be aware of the non-linear way that we can move through these.
Knowing these stages can be comforting as grief can pull us in painful directions, thinking and feeling things we may never have thought or felt before. However, journeying through grief is not just about processing the loss and adjusting to the emotional, psychological, and practical changes that follow but it is also about finding new meaning, value and direction. This, in my opinion, is the hardest part of processing loss; how do we let go of the pain that might be the last remaining connection we have with that person or situation without feeling betrayal, or disconnection, and how do we discover who we are now, what we want and which way we want to go?
The Psychologist Robert A. Neimeyer reflects that grief is not a linear process, nor is it a series of predictable stages. It is a complex interplay of emotions, memories, and meanings that can vary widely among individuals. Rather than simply moving through stages of grief we create new narratives and ways to understand our loss, allowing us to integrate it into our lives.
"We are not simply grieving for what we have lost but are also challenged to create new meanings in the wake of that loss." —Robert A Neimeyer Meaning Reconstruction & the Experience of Loss.
The Importance of Self Compassion:
When navigating loss, one of the most important things to remember is to be kind to yourself. Grieving is not something we "should" know how to do, and no amount of preparation makes it easier. If it's the first time experiencing a significant loss, it will likely feel overwhelming and nothing prepares us for the feelings we may feel. If it's not the first time, that doesn’t necessarily make it easier, either. Each experience of loss is unique, just as every relationship or situation is unique. Giving yourself permission to grieve in your own way, without comparing your journey to anyone else’s is important as there is no right way to grieve, and certainly no timetable for when it "should" end.
"Grief is like the ocean; it comes in waves, ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim."— Vicki Harrison
Embracing the Ups and Downs:
Grieving isn't a linear process. Some days might feel manageable, and others can bring a fresh wave of emotion, even long after the loss. It's important to ride these waves and accept them as part of the process. Over time, the waves of grief might become less intense, but it’s also okay if they occasionally resurface, grief can linger long after we expect it to. It can be a testament to the impact that person, relationship, or experience had on your life.
"Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go."— Jamie Anderson
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Getting Support:
Grief can deeply affect our mental and physical well-being, during these acute periods of stress. It can affect our appetite, sleep, energy levels, immune system, ability to concentrate, as well as increasing emotional reactivity and feelings of isolation.
There is no universal map for navigating grief. The process is deeply individual, and each person’s path is different. Some may find solace in being alone with their thoughts, while others benefit from the support of friends, family, or a grief support group. Grief can feel very isolating especially if you don’t feel other people understand what you are going through and can’t give the support you need. Letting people know what you need is important as friends and family can be worried about doing or saying the wrong thing at this sensitive time.
It is, however, important to recognise when you might need professional support, to process painful feelings, and to find new meaning. Depression/anxiety unresolved trauma, and PTSD can stem from significant loss, so it is important to seek help if navigating the emotional complexities of grief feels too overwhelming. Support groups and/or private therapy can help. Going to your GP can be a good start to start to find local resources in your area (see below for national resources).
Grief therapy can provide a safe space to talk through emotions, learn coping mechanisms, and feel less isolated in your experience. Sharing your grief with others who understand or listening to support group members' stories can also provide a sense of connection during a time when you feel detached from the world around them.
"Each person’s grief is as unique as their fingerprint. But what everyone has in common is that, no matter how they grieve, they share a need for their grief to be witnessed."— David Kessler
What to Hold on to and What to Let go of:
It can be easy to get caught up in cycles of guilt, regret, anger and sadness when processing a loss. Coming to terms with loss is challenging, even more so if there are a lot of unsaid thoughts and feelings that can make it difficult to find peace.
Writing down your feelings can be helpful. If applicable this can be in the form of a letter addressed to the person you have lost. Even if they never get to read it, it can help to identify and process difficult thoughts and feelings.
It can also help to identify what we truly valued about that person/circumstance. We can then find ways of incorporating these aspects into our lives. It may be that through our grief we can actually find values that deeply matter to us. Understanding our core values can help strengthen our mental and psychical wellbeing and incorporating these aspects can give comfort and stability.
Some people hold onto meaningful items that remind them of joy or positivity associated with the person or experience they lost. This can be a comforting way to feel connected, while others might choose to let go of objects tied to the loss as a way of moving forward and not triggering painful feelings. The choice is deeply personal, and what matters is finding what feels right for you.
The Depth of Pain Reflects the Depth of Meaning:
One thing to keep in mind during the grieving process is that the depth of your pain often reflects the depth of meaning the person or experience had in your life. While the pain can feel unbearable at times, it also speaks to how much you loved, cared, or valued that relationship or part of your life. Over time, many people find that this pain becomes a source of strength, reminding them of the importance of connection, love, and resilience.
"Grief is the price we pay for love."— Queen Elizabeth II
Saying Goodbye:
Whatever the loss acknowledging that threshold of change is important both psychologically and physically. Allowing a time of solitary reflection, collective mourning or celebration can help in processing the loss. Creating a memory book, a playlist or finding a way to commemorate that change can be both healing and helpful. When dealing with the death of a loved one a funeral can come around jarringly soon and saying “goodbye” before the grieving process has really kicked in can feel distressing. Seeing a funeral as a time to acknowledge a shift rather than a formal goodbye can be helpful in taking the pressure off. As grief is a process it may be this is something more private you need or want to do in your own time and space, Marie Curie's website has some ideas for saying goodbye in your own private way.
Moving Forward
Grief is a painful process but through self reflection, self-compassion, acceptance, and finding ways to honour what we've lost, we can begin to heal and move forward. Whilst grief may never fully leave us, we can learn to carry it differently and it can also shape and mould us in new and beautiful ways. It can encourage us to reflect and grasp life with new gratitude and awareness, it can make us more compassionate and selfless, it can even motivate us to give back or start something we've been afraid to do. The process of grieving can be long and unpredictable, but with patience and the right support, we can navigate through the journey toward a sense of peace, understanding and hopefully new meaning.
"Grief is in two parts. The first is loss. The second is the remaking of life."— Anne Roiphe
Resources:
If you someone you know is struggling with grief here are a few websites that might be helpful:
Cruse Bereavement Support Cruse is one of the UK's leading bereavement charities. It offers free and confidential support for those who have lost a loved one, including one-on-one counselling, a national helpline, and online resources.
The Good Grief Trust The Good Grief Trust provides a directory of bereavement support services across the UK, as well as practical advice and information on coping with grief. They also offer support for different types of loss, including miscarriage, pet loss, and the death of a partner.
Samaritans Samaritans provide 24/7 support for those experiencing emotional distress or crisis, including grief. You can talk to someone anonymously via phone or email, and they offer a non-judgmental listening service.
Child Bereavement UK Child Bereavement UK supports families and children who are grieving the death of a child or someone important in their lives. They offer tailored advice and support for grieving children and young people.
Mind – Grief and BereavementMind, the mental health charity, has a dedicated section for grief and bereavement, offering advice and resources on how grief can impact mental health and where to seek additional support.
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Thanks for another insightful and thought provoking blog. I really appreciated it.