Why Am I So Self Critical? Understanding Your Inner Critic

When I think about the inner critic, Lola Young's song Messy really springs to mind. That feeling that whatever we do, we can never quite satisfy our inner critic.

I'm too messy, and then I'm too flipping clean.....

And I'm too perfect till I open my big mouth

I want to be me, is that not allowed?

We don’t tend to end up in therapy without struggling, at least sometimes, with feeling self critical. That nagging internal voice that seems to have an opinion about pretty much everything we do.

Too loud

Too quiet

Too boring

Not interesting enough

Too fat

Not attractive enough

Too much

Not enough

Most of us have experienced self criticism at one point or another. It may only show up when we are feeling insecure or unsure, or when we are stepping into something new. For others it is there on the daily grind, slowly wearing us down.

It can sometimes feel like a tyrant, or a dissatisfied boss that we are constantly working hard for but can never seem to please.

Nothing is ever quite good enough.

People arrive in the therapy room and often see the inner critic as almost something separate, something they are desperate to get rid of or overcome, and understandably so. Living with a relentless internal negative commentary can be exhausting.

What if your inner critic isn't trying to sabotage you?

Within Internal Family Systems therapy (IFS), we understand the mind as having different parts, and that no part is inherently bad, even the inner critic.

This can be a difficult idea to swallow.

When a voice has spent years telling you that you are stupid, unattractive, lazy, embarrassing or not good enough.

The idea that it might be trying to help you can sound ridiculous, I know.

But saying that a part is trying to protect us doesn’t mean that what it is doing is always helpful. Quite the opposite. Our protective parts, with all their best intent, can sometimes cause enormous distress, and their attempts to protect us can even appear self sabotaging.

So how could criticism possibly be protective?

How is your self critical part trying to protect you?

Imagine you put on a hat and immediately hear:

“You look stupid in that.”

You take the hat off.

On the surface, the critic appears to be concerned with the hat. But what happens if we get curious?

What is it worried would happen if you wore the hat? Perhaps people would think you looked stupid....and if they did?

Maybe they would laugh at you, judge you or reject you....and how would that feel?

Embarrassing. Exposing. Shameful.

Suddenly the critic looks a little different. It isn't really that concerned with hats.

It is concerned with preventing you from experiencing something it believes would be much harder to tolerate.

Shame. Rejection. Embarrassment. Exposed. Failure. Feeling stupid. Feeling unwanted. Feeling like you are too much, or somehow not enough.

The criticism is an attempt to protect you, it isn't necessarily the real fear.

Where does a critical voice come from?

Critical parts can develop in lots of different ways. Perhaps you received a lot of criticism from a parent or another important person in your life. Perhaps there wasn’t enough reassurance or affirmation. Or perhaps nobody explicitly criticised you, but you learnt that certain parts of you weren’t particularly welcome:

"Don't be embarrassing. Don't be needy. Don't get things wrong. Don't draw attention to yourself. Don't disappoint people. Don't be too much."

We can learn that it is safer to identify what is wrong with us before somebody else does and the inner critic goes to work:

"If I criticise you first, perhaps I can stop you being caught out. If I tell you not to wear the hat, perhaps nobody will laugh at you. If I analyse everything you said after a social interaction, perhaps you won't make the same mistake again. If I constantly tell you that you need to work harder, perhaps you will never experience the shame of failure."

Over time these patterns can become incredibly automatic. The original circumstances or external critical person may be long gone, but the pattern of thinking and behaviour remains.

Why does my inner critic get louder sometimes?

You might notice that your critical voice isn't equally loud all the time. It can become particularly active when we are taking risks, being visible or stepping into something unfamiliar. Dating someone new. Speaking in a meeting. Wearing something different. Posting something online. Setting a boundary. Making art. Applying for a new job. Meeting new people.

Sometimes our system can experience these moments as a threat because becoming more visible may mean becoming more vulnerable to how other people might respond, particularly if previous experiences of this haven't been good.

And visibility can feel risky.

Our brain can become more hyper alert, scanning for everything that could possibly go wrong.

Somewhere within us is the belief that if we spot the danger first, we can protect ourselves from it.

And what better way to avoid the danger than having an inner critic telling us exactly what not to do?

So what can we do about our inner critic?

Curiosity, my dear Watson!

Rather than immediately arguing with the thought, avoiding it or trying to replace it with something positive, we can become curious, and we could even try asking the critical part directly:

"If I wear this, what are you worried will happen?

If I send this message, what are you afraid of?

If I stop working so hard, what do you think will happen?

If you stopped criticising me, what are you worried I might feel or experience?

This doesn't mean agreeing with the criticism. It means beginning to understand it and what it is concerned about. Perhaps there is a part that remembers what it was like to feel stupid. To be laughed at. To fail. To be rejected. To feel like too much. It didn't feel good, and so we learnt to avoid feeling that way again.

Instead of fighting or trying to get rid of the critic, we can begin to turn towards what it has been working so hard to protect. Therapy can offer a space to explore this, helping us understand the critical part whilst also supporting and healing the more vulnerable parts underneath.

Perhaps the question isn't, “How do I get rid of my inner critic?”

Perhaps it is, “What is my inner critic concerned would happen if it stopped?”

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